Beware the Webkinz!

Let me just send out a warning to all you intelligent, hard-working, God-fearing adults.

DO NOT PLAY WEBKINZ!!! It... (insert impressive pause)... is evil.

They used to say that cards are the devil's prayer book. Well, move over Hoyle--Webkinz reigns supreme over all vices. Allow me to explain.

Unless you have children, you've probably never heard of these ridiculously cute, entirely overpriced stuffed animals. If your Hallmark does not have a Webkinz display, the manager has, in all likelyhood, been recently fired because no sane person would dare pass up the mountain of gold these little critters are bringing in. I predict these things to be the next Tickle-Me-Elmo of the upcoming Christmas season. They're flying off the shelves, and most stores limit the number you can buy. To my knowledge, nobody's been killed over them yet, but it cannot be long in coming.

What are they, you ask? Webkinz are just cute stuffed animals, remininscent of the old beanie babies craze of a decade ago. What makes Webkinz so unique, and so evil, is the magnificently expansive virtual world that they unlock. Mozy on over to Webkinz.com and check it out on their little tour. When you purchase the toy, you have access to this amazing virtual world, in which you, quite literally, become caretaker for your pet. You must feed it, play with it, and nurture it to ensure its health and happiness. Think Tamigotchi on steroids. It's like having a child, but these furry little things don't backtalk. You can decide how to furnish your pet's room, right down to the color of the wallpaper.

In order to feed and provide for your pet, you must visit the arcade and play all of these awesome games to earn Webkinz dollars. These games are incredibly fun, and incredibly addictive. They have renovated versions of Battleship, Pong, and Frogger that put the originals to shame. They even have their own trading card game (remember Pokemon?). There are so many games, it would take hours just to play them all. There are several ways to earn money in this world, and I am telling all of you Addicts Anonymous out there--Webkinz is heaven for anyone with an addictive personality. Addiction to this world leads to Sloth, Greed and Envy, no doubt.

I have no idea where Webkinz came from, but I suspect (ATTN: all Conspiracy Theorists out there) that the Japanese had something to do with it. I mean, THINK about it! Insanely cute animals, computers and virtual worlds, trading card games--who ELSE could have come up with it?!?! The only thing missing is a manga series and anime. It screams Japan. The next step in Japanese economic domination of the world, if you ask me. Before long, people will be giving out their Webkinz handles along with their emails and IM names.

So, beware the Webkinz, people. Beware.

Alas, it's too late for me. I have embraced the evil and sold out to the corporate giants who want my money, nay--my very soul--in their pockets. My Webkinz handle is TumbleweedCrossing. If, like me, you have already been infected by the virus that is Webkinz, I invite you to come over and meet me in Webkinz World. I guarantee to offer you a mean game of Chef Challenge or Dogbeard's Bathtub Battles.

My Webkinz Info:
ID: TumbleweedCrossing

My Pets:
Clydsdale horse -- Winchester
Black Stallion -- Remington
Lil' Unicorn -- Weatherby
Google (fictional animal)-- Browning
Lil' Alley Cat -- Gatling
Persian Cat -- Chantilly

See you in Webkinz World, my fellow Sell-Outs!!!